If you’ve ever been really sick or seriously injured, you’ve probably spent some time at St. Benedict’s Hospital in Emerson Valley. I spent a great deal of time there myself not too long ago. That is why I can say with absolute certainty that it is one of the most evil places in the entire world.

The first clue that something isn’t right with this hospital is the fact that the “St. Benedict” it’s named for is St. Benedict of Aquitaine. He lived during the days of the Angevin Empire, and it was believed that he had a hand in the peculiar demise of Pope Innocent V, whose tenure lasted only five months between his election and his death.

A certain sect of Catholics opposed St. Benedict’s growing influence within the papacy, but he had powerful friends who constantly shielded him from repercussions for his many abuses of office. During his life, he never reached a higher station than Bishop, but he still wielded a considerable amount of power. It was said that he made many connections to high-ranking church leaders through the use of heinous arcane rituals, bewitching his targets into giving him favorable treatment.

By the time St. Benedict died, he was immediately proposed for beatification. Over the protests of a small contingent, he was canonized in 1292. Now, over 800 years later, there is a hospital that shares a name with this monster. The very same hospital that services our own town. And they are more than happy to continue with the tradition of their namesake.

I recently had the displeasure of requiring treatment at this unholy nexus of evil. During a hike through Blackwood Forest, I accidentally tripped over a tree root and broke my arm. And do you know what these demonic heralds of Satan himself did to me? They handed me a bill for $1,700! To x-ray my arm and put a cast on it! It’s outrageous! If that isn’t the mark of the beast, I don’t know what is. I say to hell with St. Benedict’s Hospital!

-Ashton Rook, Lifestyle, Emerson Valley Gazette