Bernard Douglas: December 12, 1981-June 15, 2020

Bernard Peter “Bernie” Douglas was born on December 12, 1981 in Carson Hills, Virginia to Peter Bernard Douglas and Ethel Douglas (née Hammersmith). He died of a heart attack while on his front porch on June 15, 2020. Bernie was preceded in death by his mother and younger sister Winifred. He is survived by his father, his wife Lydia, and his son Skip.

Bernie was a man who suffered from numerous afflictions, making it difficult for him to go through his daily routine without assistance. His wife, a former nurse who worked at St. Benedict’s Hospital for seven years, was sadly unable to help him due to her crippling latrinalapsiphobia. They put aside a little money each month into a savings account with the intention of hiring an in-home healthcare worker to provide Bernie with the necessary aid, but a tiny mistake made by Lydia when entering the amount for a bet in an online casino game resulted in the loss of their entire savings.

Lydia is devastated to have been widowed at such a young age. Fortunately, she has had the support of an old friend from high school who has served as a rock during these trying times. With the proceeds from Bernie’s life insurance, she has been able to do all the things he wanted her to do but couldn’t afford, like update her wardrobe, get a new car, and give her old friend a place to stay since his horrid wife kicked him out for no reason.

Bernie’s family asks that anyone wishing to make a donation to a charity in his name or send flowers for the funeral service instead get put cash in an envelope with Lydia’s name on the front and leave it on her front porch. There is a cash deposit box memorial in the spot where Bernie died as a way to honor him. Lydia plans to hold a service for him eventually, but for now, she wishes to keep the shoebox with his ashes in her closet behind the shoes she was able to purchase with the insurance money.

Rest well, dear Bernie. Your beautiful, single wife will move on with her life and find happiness in the arms of another man just like you wanted.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Please do not send angry messages to the Emerson Valley Gazette. This obituary was written by the deceased’s wife, not our staff. She insisted we publish it exactly as she wrote it, so there it is. We apologize profusely to Mr. Douglas and the rest of his family.)