Dear Libby,

I have been trying for ages to cultivate a patch of black roses in my garden. They don’t occur naturally, so I have to take particular care of them as they grow. I followed the instructions given to me by for this cultivar, yet every year they fail to yield roses with the deep black petals tinged with dark crimson that I was promised. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve seen pictures of them on the website where I buy the seeds, and they look so beautiful. There’s a girl I like who loves black roses, and I was hoping to be able to give her a bouquet from my own garden when I finally ask her out. At this point, I don’t know if that will ever happen. This is the fourth year in a row where my black roses have failed to sprout properly. I’m ready to give up, but I know you’re a gardener yourself, so maybe you can help me?

–A Black Rose By Any Other Name

Dear “A Black Rose By Any Other Name,”

I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you won’t ever succeed in growing a black rose. Not only do they not grow naturally, they don’t grow at all. While there are some varieties of roses with very dark red petals, they would never be mistaken for black. I know exactly the type of rose you’re trying to grow. They’re hawked by websites professing to have the secrets of growing your own, and they conveniently have packets of seeds available for you to purchase.

These websites are all scams. They simply give you vague directions with their seeds for you to follow, and when you complain to them that your roses aren’t black, they blame you for screwing up their cultivation. Year after year you’ve been handing over your hard-earned money for repackaged rose seeds of the lowest quality. Stop paying them to scam you. If you want black roses so bad, buy a bouquet of white roses and spray paint them black. Then ask this girl out before it’s too late. While I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture of the black roses, they aren’t going to be the deciding factor as to whether or not she says yes.

–Lovingly, Libby