Dear Libby,

I recently moved to Emerson Valley from LA. My husband had been out of work for a while and was applying to anywhere and anywhere that had a job listing. Luckily, Emerson Valley Gas & Electric was hiring maintenance service workers, and he was able to land a position with them. I was really excited for him to start his new job, but that meant leaving all my friends in LA behind, which made me sad.

I’ve lived in California all my life until now, and I lived in LA since I graduated from college. I’m not really sure how I ended up meeting all my friends. When you’re in your twenties, those sorts of things seem to just happen. I would meet new people all the time, but that was almost always through my friend group or while doing things with them. I never really had to work to make new friends.

Now that I’m starting from scratch, everything suddenly seems so much more daunting. The prospect of having to find someone interested in meeting new people, establish a strong connection with them, and cultivate a deep friendship over a long period of time feels like an impossible task. I’ve tried striking up conversations with people I see around town, and while they’re always very polite, they don’t seem like they’re open to a friendship with me.

I’m in my forties now and I don’t have children. I feel like that both makes me a bit of a pariah and locks me out of the main source of adult friendships from your thirties on. Obviously I can’t join a mom group if I don’t have kids. I went to a trivia night at the bar in town, but everyone was there with other people. I’m not saying I want guys to hit on me—I’m a married woman after all—but you’d think at least SOMEONE would approach me or offer to buy me a drink. That didn’t happen.

My husband spends a lot of time working. He’s trying to dig us out of debt (it’s HIS debt, really, but that’s a story for another time), which means working a lot of overtime. I don’t have a job, so I’m home alone and bored all day, nearly every day of the week. I’m fine with spending time by myself, but it would be nice to have a friend to hang out with once in a while. Do you have any advice for me?

–Miss Friendless

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Dear “Miss Friendless,”

You just need to put yourself out there more. Maybe the problem is in your presentation? I understand you’re not looking to attract the attention of men who aren’t your husband, but since you don’t have kids, a lot of the women in your target demographic are single. So while you don’t want to dress up all cute and sexy for yourself, any potential friends aren’t going to want to have a schlubby gremlin skulking in their wake. I’d invite you to hang out with my friends, but we’re not looking to add anyone new to our group right now.

My advice is to go shopping (maybe don’t use your husband’s credit card, though) and buy yourself five or six outfits, some new makeup, and a really killer pair of shoes. If you think you can swing it, get a handbag in a neutral color so it’ll go with whatever you’re wearing. Then get dolled up and go out on Friday night.

It doesn’t matter where you go—just head to Main Street and start walking. Something is sure to be going on somewhere in town. Use your senses to sniff out the hotspots. Find groups of three or four women to focus on. Don’t bother with pairs. They’re either best friends forever or lesbians. Regardless, they won’t want an interloper trying to horn in on their night out. Groups any larger than four are no good, either, since they’re most likely a tight-knit group with no interest in adding more bloat.

Once you find some acceptable targets, post up near them. However, do not make eye contact with any of their members. That’ll just make everything weird. You need them to believe you haven’t noticed them, and you’re just out on the town trying to have fun on your own. It’ll give you an air of mysteriousness.

After about ten or fifteen minutes, grab a guy for a chat or a dance. I know you’re not looking to meet guys, and that’s fine—this guy is just a prop. Make sure you laugh at what he’s saying and come off as being totally into him. Don’t be afraid to be loud. It might seem obnoxious, and it is, but it’ll also get you noticed. The key is to cut the cord before the guy gets hooked. Tell him you need to run to the bathroom and you’ll be right back.

Now comes the most important part: as you turn to go to the bathroom, make eye contact with one of the women in your target group. Don’t smile—try to signal “help me” without actually saying it. She’ll understand instinctively. It’s an evolutionary trait women have developed to help keep them safe. The women will have a quick huddle to discuss what’s going on. They’ll decide they need to step in to save you.

When you return from the bathroom, the guy will naturally be waiting for you. Your target group will grab you before you get to him and envelop you to place a physical barrier between you and the guy. Just go along with it and smile. Once the guy’s gone, thank them for saving you and make up some reason why he creeped you out. You will all have a hearty laugh about the situation.

At this point, you can drop the info that you’re new in town. You’ve already made them emotionally invested in you. Hearing that you’re new and alone all the way across the country from everything you’ve ever known will make them feel obligated to invite you to an upcoming social function. No matter when or what it is, say yes. If it conflicts with something else, cancel the something else.

This is the point where my advice ends. From here on out, you have to make the connections and cultivate friendships with other women on your own. You might have engineered the initial meeting, but you can’t fake a genuine friendship. If the vibe isn’t there with them, they can still be of use. Stick around long enough for them to invite you to events where you can parlay the acquaintanceship into meeting new people. Good luck, and I hope you find what you’re looking for!

–Lovingly, Libby