Dear Libby,

I know how this is going to sound, but I’m at my wit’s end. Every night, without fail, I see dead people. Yes, I’ve seen “The Sixth Sense,” and no, I’m not just imagining this. They show up in my bedroom and talk to me. None of them have ever tried to hurt me or anything, but the incessant chatter keeps me up all night. I haven’t gotten a full night of uninterrupted sleep in nearly six months now. They just won’t shut up.

I really want them to go away. But I also don’t want to be rude. These people have already gone through some pretty bad stuff, and it seems like they just want someone to talk to. But I’m not a therapist or anything like that. Why can’t they just go haunt a therapist instead? Anyway, how can I tell these dead people that they’re really annoying me and I want them to go away without hurting their feelings? Thanks in advance!

–Definitely Not The Kid From The Sixth Sense

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Dear Cole Sear,

This is a really interesting question! Thanks for asking it! So, you’ve made it clear to me that you don’t want to talk to these dead people. Why haven’t you told them exactly what you told me? They’re ghosts, not mind readers. They probably think you’re enjoying the long conversations with those who have passed, but not passed on. Who knows? They might even have a few really interesting things to tell you, but hey, it’s your right to be completely pig-headed about the situation. But I know if I was able to communicate with the dead, I’d take plenty of advantage of that.

So, what you need to do is grow a spine and tell the dead people that you’re too self-centered to tolerate their presence any longer. Most dead people are pretty reasonable people, so they’ll respect your boundaries. Sure, they might not have anyone else to turn to, but they’ll just go and haunt some uninhabited, ramshackle cesspool instead, hoping every day that a few stupidly brave teens will show up, looking for some scares, and be able to give them the time of their lives. But I seriously hope you reconsider sending them away. And if you do decide to let them stay, make sure you ask them not to invite the man. He’s someone you don’t want crashing at your pad.

–Lovingly, Libby

UPDATE 12/23/2019: For those of you who don’t know, the “Dead Libby” picture attached to this article is a joke. I apologize if I caused anyone distress over it. That was not my intention. I found the submission to be quite ridiculous and most likely a prank, but I thought it would be funny to respond to it as if I was serious. The “Dead Libby” branding was meant to go along with the theme of the article. I promise you that I’m perfectly safe and healthy. If anyone doesn’t believe me, feel free to come see me live at the Christmas Festival on Christmas Eve!