Dear Libby,

In the most recent election, I voted for the only candidate worth anything: Anthony Faulk. For some unfathomable reason, my idiot fiancée decided it would be a good idea to throw basic human decency in the trash and vote for Jim Foley. She even still wanted to vote for him after the news of his horrible comments came out. Can you believe that?

I tried to reason with her and make her see she was acting like a garbage human being. She argued with me that Foley has been keeping us safe for the last 16 years, and that if Faulk won the election, he’d hand our town over to the forces of darkness. I told her she was being overdramatic, which didn’t go over well. She locked herself in our bedroom and wouldn’t come out for a week.

I’ve decided I can’t marry this woman. She’s shown her true colors. I can see now that she’s an evil monster who needs to be destroyed. The only problem is that I don’t know what I should do about it. Do I use an axe? Maybe poison? I’d rather not squeeze the life out of her with my bare hands, but if that’s the only way to fix this problem, I guess I’m willing to do it. How do I let my fiancée know I don’t want to marry her anymore?

–No Longer Engaged

Dear “No Longer Engaged,”

It sounds to me like your fiancée has been infected by the disease known as “idiotic moron syndrome.” It’s unfortunately all-too-common these days. She wants to stand in the way of progress and keep our town from achieving a brighter future. People like that think they know everything, but in reality, they know absolutely nothing.

The only way to handle your little problem is with direct action. Your suggestions, while admirable, will only lead to further heartache. The authorities will look at you as their number one suspect almost immediately, and I doubt you can eliminate every trace of evidence connecting you to the act. This must be handled carefully and with plenty of forethought.

You said your fiancée locked herself in your bedroom and wouldn’t come out for a week, correct? So the solution is mindboggling simple: let her stay in there. Drag something heavy in front of the door and board up the windows. Make sure she can’t get out. Then leave. Go somewhere far away. Take a two-week vacation, and when you return, your problem will be solved.

Make sure you put everything back to how it was before. Clear the doorway and the windows. If you’re lucky, the bedroom door will still be locked from the inside. When you contact the police, tell them you have no idea what happened, but that she had gone insane after Mr. Faulk’s victory. You had to get away because she wouldn’t stop with the verbal abuse, and when you returned, she was still locked in the bedroom and wasn’t responding.

Let them break the door down. It’ll be obvious that she starved herself to death in some misguided protest. They’ll deal with the messy part for you. Now you’re free to be the person you want to be, and to be with a person who will appreciate what you’re trying to do for our town. If I may be so bold, I appreciate what you’re doing. If you’d be interested in having dinner sometime, you can email the Gazette for my contact info. I hope to hear from you soon!

–Lovingly, Libby