Dear Libby,

Who should I vote for in the upcoming mayoral election? I’m really torn. Jim Foley’s done a fine job over the last 16 years. Hell, I can hardly imagine living in Emerson Valley and not having him as our mayor. I’ve voted for him in every past election, but he didn’t really have any serious competition, either.

My son-in-law is part of Tony Faulk’s campaign team, so he’s obviously pushing for everyone in the family to vote for his boss. I can see the appeal of Faulk, being a fresh face in politics and an established member of our town’s community. He’s made some good points in the debates. I almost feel like the mayor is too tired to fight for his office.

I’ve always found you to be a very good judge of character. Your column has helped me through a lot of tough times. I figured why not see if it can help me directly now. Who are you voting for, and who do you think I should vote for?

–Confused at the Polls

Dear “Confused at the Polls,”

I’m voting for Anthony Faulk. You should vote for Anthony Faulk. Everyone in town should vote for Anthony Faulk. He’s the only real option if you don’t want our town overtaken by roving gangs of scrunchie bandits. Do the American thing and vote for Anthony Faulk.

–Lovingly, Libby