Today is Halloween. All Hallows’ Eve. The night when children dress up as ghouls and goblins and Transformers to collect tiny candy bars in an old pillowcase. It’s amazing how fun and innocent we can make a tradition that’s steeped in heathenistic horror. Just paint a veneer of cultural merriment over the bloodstains and call it a day.

This town has a dark past that nobody seems to want to acknowledge. Stirring up those demons just to partake in a foolish, childish ritual isn’t the best idea. But we still do it anyway. Why? If you want to stuff your hellspawn full of sugar and chocolate, just go buy them a family-sized pack of Snickers, and let them have at it. But no—we must pretend to be like everyone else. But they don’t have to contend with the terrifying reality that we do.

I know that nobody reads this drivel anyway. You’re not going to come to this website, absorb these words, and have a change of heart. I keep telling my editor that we should just close up shop. Print is dead. Journalism is dead. Maybe I’m dead and I just don’t realize it yet. Ha, could you imagine that? A dead guy complaining about a holiday dedicated to the dead. Is that irony? Or is it just sad?

I guess my opinion really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. We’ll keep on pumping out articles to post on this website, and as long as I continue getting a paycheck, it shouldn’t really matter to me if anyone sees it or not. I doubt my editor is even looking this over. Hey, Chuck—you reading this? If so, you should know that Coop’s sleeping with your wife. Marty wants to too. Sorry man.

So, in conclusion: don’t send your children out trick or treating tonight. Please. It’s not because I don’t feel like getting my house egged or TPed due to not wanting to spend twenty bucks on cheap candy to give out. That’s part of it. But mostly, I’m just worried about what could happen. If we keep stirring the waters, something’s sure to take notice. We’re better off leaving well enough alone.

– Ashton Rook, Lifestyle, Emerson Valley Gazette

EDITOR’S NOTE (3/16/2026): This article was taken down shortly after it was published. I’ve posted it with the rest of the stuff from the archive to give context to an exchange between Sarah Donovan and Ashton Rook on the Bracket app.