Dear Libby,

I have a gorgeous black, gray, and white American Shorthair named Tiki. I got Tiki when he was a kitten from a friend whose cat and given birth. I love my kitty so much, and up until about two weeks ago, he loved me too.

I don’t know what happened, but one morning, I woke up to find Tiki perched on the shelf near my bed. He had a strange look in his eye, like he was peering deep into my soul. He hissed at me—and he NEVER hisses at me—before lunging at me with his claws retracted. I barely got out of the way in time, and he still scratched my cheek.

Ever since then, I feel like Tiki is watching me and waiting for another opportunity to attack. I’ve started locking my door at night, which would’ve been unthinkable not too long ago. It’s like a switch was flipped and he just went crazy. The really weird thing is that he’s not doing it with anyone else who comes over. It’s JUST me.

What made me write to you was something that happened this afternoon. I was cutting vegetables on the island in my kitchen, and I heard Tiki’s claws tapping on the counter behind me. He likes to walk on the counters sometimes—yes, I know it’s unsanitary, but I just love him too much to tell him not to—so I didn’t think much of it.

I thought I smelled gas, so I turned around and saw Tiki’s paw on the stove dials. He’d turned one all the way up, letting gas fill my kitchen. I started to cough, and that’s when he pushed the dial in to light the burner. I raced toward the front door as my kitchen exploded behind me.

I need help. I really don’t know what to do. When I called the police and told them my cat had tried to assassinate me by blowing up my kitchen, they said I was crazy and hung up. What do I do, Libby? I’m at such a loss here. I don’t want to have to rehome Tiki, but if he doesn’t stop trying to kill me, I won’t be around much longer to feel guilty about it.

–Lady Cat-astrophe

Dear “Lady Cat-astrophe,”

You ought to be ashamed of yourself! How dare you try to portray a defenseless little kitty as some kind of mafioso taking out a rival gang leader. My guess is he’s just trying to get your attention. It sounds like you’re not showing your precious bundle of joy enough love.

It really grinds my gears when irresponsible pet owners realize too late they can’t handle the reality of owning a pet, and they make excuse after excuse about why it’s not their fault they need to give their little angel away. Don’t get a cat if all you’re going to do is whine about his quite amusing little pranks.

Stop acting like you’re the injured party here. Poor Tiki is practically screaming for mommy to give him cuddles and kisses. Show him that you won’t be combative anymore by letting him “get you” the next time he feels extra mischievous. You’ll see that you’re not in any real danger. Not unless you consider snuggling under a blanket with your furry friend a “dangerous” proposal!

–Lovingly, Libby