Writing a profile on James Foley should be an easy task. We all know who he is and what he does. But I can’t mention his current vocation. I can’t mention anything about the upcoming election, either. Is there a reason I can’t mention those two completely separate topics? Yes, there is a reason. There’s also a reason why this article exists, despite the fact that I have nothing to say (or more accurately, nothing I CAN say). I’ll give you three guesses. That makes things fair and balanced, doesn’t it?

Mr. Foley is 51 years old. He’s about 5’10”, but he tells everyone he’s 6 feet tall. I have no idea how much he weights, and he refuses to disclose that information to the Gazette. He also won’t tell me if he’s checked off “organ donor” on his license. What DOES he tell me about? Lots of stuff. Nothing I can print, obviously. But he’s the type of guy who likes to hear himself talk.

I’m obligated to mention that Mr. Foley is sponsoring a car wash this Saturday. For the ultra-low price of $75, you can have a couple of high school dropouts rub a dirty sponge over the same spot for about five minutes, then spray your car with a firehouse, leaving some nice dings and dents behind.

There also might be a certain politician doing a meet and greet there. Maybe even a local politician. I can’t say more than that, but I’m sure there’s nothing the kids would rather do than have an uncomfortable handshake with a man who’s only pretending to understand what it’s like to behave like a human being.

Here’s me steeling myself for the inevitable angry phone call this article will bring. But if they check the laws really carefully, they’ll see that the Gazette has fulfilled its obligation with it. If they want any more press, they’ll have to pay for ad time like everyone else. We’re supposed to be impartial, and we are for the most part. But just this once, I’m going to tell you how I feel.

If two non-specific people were running for government office, and one of them tried to strongarm me into writing about them because the other one got a little attention for their other admirable achievements, I know which person I’d be voting for. Here’s a hint: it’s not James Foley.

-William Cooper, Human Interest, Emerson Valley Gazette