Dear Libby,

I live in a quiet part of town near the forest. It’s always been my sanctuary; my place of solitude. Yet my little patch of Eden was torn to shreds when my new neighbor moved in. He’s rude and inconsiderate, and it seemed like he had it in for me since day 1. I brought him brownies to welcome him to the neighborhood, and he told me they tasted like cheap gym socks. Can you believe that?!

Anyhoo, I ignored his nasty comments and unsightly decorations because I don’t like to make waves. Recently though, he’s started blasting his boombox or whatever they use these days. The music is so loud and grating that I’m pretty sure my ears have bled a few times. I’ve tried asking him nicely to turn it down, but that just makes him turn the volume up more.

When I called the police about it, they told me that as long as he stops the music by 11 pm, there’s nothing they can do. He must know about that rule, because he cuts it off at 11 sharp. I’m going out of my wits with this music. None of it makes any sense. It’s just lots of beeps and boops and screaming. How can I get him to turn it down when nothing has worked in the past?

–Mrs. Burst Eardrum

Dear “Mrs. Burst Eardrum,”

It sounds like you have a real nuisance on your hands. You should’ve expected no help from the authorities in this town. Our sheriff seems to make it his mission to do as little work as possible. Sadly, that means you’re on your own in this one. I’m assuming your neighbor is much younger than you. That rules out hand-to-hand combat.

They say you catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar, but in this case, I think vinegar is the superior option. Empty three bottles of white vinegar and one bottle of red wine vinegar into the gas tank of his car. Then grab your keys and rake them across the doors, making sure the scratches go deep.

When your neighbor rushes outside to stop you, begin filming with your phone. Don’t hold it still, though—shake it a lot so it’s hard to see exactly what’s happening. As soon as he gets close, scream as loud as you can and say something like, “Please don’t hit me again! I’m sorry I asked you to turn your music down!”

Ideally, he’ll be so sorry, he’ll take a golf club to his stereo speakers right then and there. It’s more likely that he’ll insist he never touched you and you’re crazy. This is good. Go home, use an audio editor to cut up what he said at the end, so that “I’m not gonna hit you again ’cause I never touched you! You’re crazy, lady!” can become “Lady, I’m gonna hit you again ’cause I’m crazy!”

Then all you have to do is show it to the police and watch them lead him away in cuffs! It might not be the most orthodox solution to the problem, but it’s one that’ll actually last. You’ve got this, sweetie! I believe in you!

–Lovingly, Libby