Dear Libby,

Five years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was married to the woman of my dreams, but I failed to keep her happy. When she took the chance to find a little happiness on the side, I freaked out on her, calling her all sorts of horrible names, and then I told her I wanted a divorce.

She begged and pleaded, offering to abase herself for the mere opportunity to earn my forgiveness. Because I’m stubborn and totally bullheaded, I refused all her heartfelt attempts to fix things. After the divorce was final, I start dating that little tart who teaches 5th grade science at the middle school in town.

I quickly discovered that my new girlfriend couldn’t hold a candle to my ex-wife. While my ex-wife has gone on to have a flourishing career, my girlfriend can’t even get tenure. I really want to win back my ex-wife because I can’t stop thinking about her. Unfortunately, I think it might be too late. Due to my foolishness, she’s moved on to a better life without me.

–A Regretful Fool

Dear “A Regretful Fool,”

Even though it’s an impossible task, you need to let go of your obsession with your ex-wife. You didn’t take her back when you had the chance, and now she’s moved on to be happier and healthier without you. I wish I had better news for you, but some things can never be undone and some words can never be unsaid.

The best thing you can do is take a hike through the forest to clear your head. A nice herbal tea made from the ingredients you find on the trail would really soothe your troubled soul. Also, dump your girlfriend. She’s totally wrong for you. It’s best to stop pretending like she’s the love of your life, because she’s going to realize you’re still in love with your ex-wife soon.

–Lovingly, Libby