Dear Libby,

I have a really embarrassing problem: no matter what I do, I can’t get my feet to stop smelling like rotten hamburger meat. I’ve tried medicated sprays, industrial strength soaps, and even shoving air fresheners in my shoes, but nothing works. It’s starting to seriously interfere with my life.

My girlfriend rejected my marriage proposal because she couldn’t stomach being stuck with someone who (and I quote) “Makes me want to puke out my small intestines and then use them to choke myself out so I don’t have to be conscious while breathing in the stench of your rotting flesh.” What’s a guy to do?

–Mr. Stinkfoot

Dear “Mr. Stinkfoot,”

Wow! Something tells me nobody nose the trouble you’ve seen! I’m so sorry, I had to get that out of my system. In all seriousness, this is a very concerning issue. You said that your feet smell like rotten hamburger, and your girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend as she appears to be now) mentioned rotting flesh. Unless you’re a zombie, it sounds like you’re suffering from a severe medical condition known as Pedifetoritis.

This condition, commonly known as “gag-worthy foot stench,” can be treated by soaking your feet in a solution that is two parts pickle brine and one part fresh feline urine. I know, I know…it sounds horrid. But not as horrid as subjecting the world to your smelly feet! Trust me on this—your little piggies will be smelling fresh as daisies in no time at all!

–Lovingly, Libby